i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
