Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
