found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
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There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
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My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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