our cab driver is having phone sex.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
