I think scott just propositioned me for sex
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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