I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
