you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
