Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
So much rum. So many feels.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
