Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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