If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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