if i can run in heels then i can drive
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
