I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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