Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
