I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
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Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
being pregnant is like rehab
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
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How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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