I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
