The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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