The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
