Im at strip club and am horny
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
