Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
