I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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