he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
