So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
