If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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