you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
