He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
His hands were made for my vagina.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
