why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
