Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
