I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
