saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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