So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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