All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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