At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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