I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
