I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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