You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
