I wannas sexs uuuuu
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
