For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
