Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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