margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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