My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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