Already got asked if we're dating
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
