Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
