I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
