He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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