How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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