I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
