She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
