oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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