I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
