the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
