my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
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