I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
