i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
