i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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