I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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