Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
