just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
