I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
