it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
