So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Life is so much better after having sex.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Randomize
