Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
