i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
