so that wasnt chicken after all
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
